It’s 8:05 p.m. EST and the celebs are walking the red carpet. Nicole Kidman appears to have been half-strangled by the carpet itself, Leonardo DiCaprio is again depleting the world’s supply of hair pomade, Kate Winslet has let me down with her gown color choice and Big Bird died — and was then dyed — to make Penelope Cruz’s nude-colored dress.

(Oh, I should also note — Naomi Watts is hoping that everyone is so distracted by her recreation of Cate Blanchett’s “Aviator” gown that they don’t see that she’s pregnant…)

It pains me to say it, but Celine Dion’s dress is thus far one of my favorites of the night.

Shudder.

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